So this is the 300.
The forward look. 1958 is here today.
That's the ermine white. Seventeen coats, hand-sanded.
- l'm sure it's the 17th coat that does it. - Power steering, power windows,
power brakes, power mirrors.
The new auto-pilot will make you virtually superfluous.
- l'm not sure l need a car for that. - TorqueFlite transmission.
The standard that sets the standard.
And the top operates by just the touch of a button.
-l can feel the wind in my hair already. -You just out of school ?
- Harvard Law School. - That degree sells itself.
Do you live here in Washington ?
- l've been working for the government. - Oh.
- Not that it's permanent. - Oh.
- Care to get behind the wheel, Mr. Goodman ? - Goodwin.
Oh.
Just be careful with the cigar.
Used to be a man drove the car. Now the car drives the man.
Go on. Turn it over.
- Here ? ls it, uh-- - Go on. lt's in neutral.
[ Engine Humming ]
Listen to that power.
- This is the town for it. - And with the new Bendix Electrojector,
we can rate this honey up to--
- 390 horsepower. - Correct to the hoof.
- lf my wife knew l was here, she'd kill me. - What a way to go.
- Yeah. - l see you're admiring the seats.
That's pigskin and calfskin.
Hand rubbed.
- Nicest piece of furniture l own would be in the garage. - Try the radio.
The only thing that sounds better than the engine is the radio.
[ Beeping ]
The Russians have beaten us into outer space.
You are listening to the sound of Sputnik,
a satellite launched this morning via rocket,
in orbit, right now, directly over our heads.
A sound that says all is not well with America.
America doesn't own the 300.
[ ''Mack The Knife'' ]
Oh, the shark, babe
Has such teeth, dear
And he shows them
Pearly white
Just a jackknife
Has old Macheath, babe
And he keeps it out of sight
You know when that shark bites
With his teeth, babe
Scarlet billows
Start to spread
Fancy gloves, oh
Wears old Macheath, babe
So there's never
Never a trace of red
Now on the sidewalk uh-huh, uh-huh
Ooh, Sunday mornin', uh-huh
Lies a body
- Just oozin' life - Hi.
And someone's sneakin'
'Round the corner
Could that someone
Be Mack the Knife
Now did ya hear about Louie Miller
He disappeared, babe
After drawin' out
All his hard-earned cash
And now Macheath spends
Just like a sailor
Could it be our boy's done somethin' rash
- Ah, Jenny Diver - [ Cheering ]
Hey, Suki Tawdry
Ooh, Miss Lotte Lenya
And old Lucy Brown
Oh, the line forms
On the right, babe
Now that Mackie's
Back in town
- What's this ? Get this thing out of here. - lt's not my station.
- Yeah, yeah. Let's go. - We're still hot on the right. - Watch it.
- Oh, it's very exciting. You know, my mother said that-- - Hey, those are the questions.
Ah, he's got the questions there.
Like walking on the bottom of the sea,
as if l had drowned long ago.
- As if-- - Five minutes, Mr. Barry.
- [ Woman ] We're ready, Mr. Barry. - You ready, America ?
- Oh, thanks, Tim. - All right, one minute. - Move a little to your left.
- Hey, video, you done with the test patterns ? - Camera one.
Okay, clear the floor, folks.
- Marty, you're still very hot. - Light it up, lighting.
- Stand by. Thirty seconds. - Give me his opening shots, please.
- Thirty seconds to air. - l'm getting a glare on camera one.
You think you can adjust the barn door on Jack's back light ? Yeah, if you can.
- Twenty seconds. - My light okay ? My nose doesn't look big ?
- You look great, Jack. - Last week l looked like a sun dial.
Jack, we're on countdown.
Coming to air in ten,
- nine, eight, seven, - Stand by, timpani. Stand by, opening film.
- Stand by, music. Stand by, announcer. - six, five,
- four, three, two, one. - Cue the timpani.
And fade up. Announce.
Geritol. America's #1 tonic.
Geritol, the fast-acting, high-potency tonic...
that helps you feel stronger fast,
presents the exciting quiz program...
Twenty-One.
Brought to you by NBC, the National Broadcasting Company,
broadcasting nationally coast to coast,
from New York to Los Angeles,
from Seattle to St. Petersburg...
via a vast network of affiliates crisscrossing the country.
Coming up next, Twenty-One,
starring master of ceremonies Jack Barry !
Two players racing to score 21 points,
each in a soundproof television studio,
not knowing the other one's score,
- with $500 riding on each point... - Damn it !
as they both play...
Twenty-One !
And here's your host, Jack Barry !
[ Applause ]
Good evening. l'm Jack Barry.
Due to a series of ties, Herbert Stempel, our 29-year-old ex-G.l. college student,
must play at $3,000 a point,
which means that in a few brief minutes,
he can either win as much as $100,000, the most money won on television to date,
or lose everything he's won in the last eight weeks.
- You nervous ? - [ Chuckling ]
lt's only money.
lsolated in their soundproof studios,
neither player is aware of the other's score.
l've been assured by our friends at the encyclopedia...
that they've concocted some real brain-breakers this week,
so we'll find out in the next 30 minutes...
if the unstumpable Herbert Stempel can be stumped.
- Could l have the questions, please ? - [ Drumroll ]
Thank you, gentlemen. Remember, the questions on Twenty-One are secured each week...
in a Manhattan bank vault 'til just before show time.
So right now, let's meet Herbert Stempel and his challenger as Geritol,
American's #1 tonic, presents Twenty-One.
[ Fanfare ]
Welcome back to the show, gentlemen.
Mr. Peloubet, a very cordial welcome to you, sir.
How are you, Herb ? How's everything in Queens ?
- Fine, Mr. Barry. - lt's a nervous strain in the family, l bet.
- How's your wife holding out ? - She's fine, thank you. Thank you, Mr. Barry, for asking.
As you know, Herb, the questions are graded for difficulty by the Encyclopedia Britannica--
l might add that my wife no longer suffers from tired blood,
now that l've got her on Geritol.
That's fine. Graded on a scale from one--
l personally vouch that it's a fine product.
l'm sure our sponsor will be pleased to know that. Now, to get on with the show--
l'd like to take this opportunity to thank Geritol...
for giving a poor ex-G.l. this amazing opportunity...
to realize his dream of a college education.
[ Faint Applause ]
Now there's a face for radio.
[ Barry ] Dick Peloubet back again from sunny Miami, Florida, and Herb Stempel.
- Yeah. - Stempel is giving me a headache.
- Well, he sells Geritol. - Have you seen the ratings ?
- Well, they've evened out. - l don't think he works anymore.
Stempel is an underdog. You know, people root for that. lt's a New York thing.
Queens is not New York.
- [ Dial Tone ] - [ Barry ] Let's play Twenty-One.
Mr. Kintner's office, please.
- [ Phone Ringing ] - Office of the president. Could you hold, please ?
- [ Ringing ] - Mr. Kintner's office.
Once inside the isolation booth, neither player can see the other,
nor can they hear anything until l turn their studios on, which l'm gonna do right now.
[ Barry ] All right, gentlemen ?
- He's not hurting sales, is he ? - He just doesn't think he works.
- Why ? - Look, l don't know.
l guess the sponsor wants a guy on Twenty-One who looks like he'd get a table at 21.
You just tell him l said Stempel has an everyman quality.
You know that whole American dream thing ? You, too, can be rich ?
- lf the ratings stay high. - Very funny.
- l'm just passing it along, sir. - [ Click ]
Every schoolboy knows about the midnight ride of Paul Revere.
For 11 points, how many lanterns were hung in the Old North Church ?
Who rode with Paul Revere ? Who lent him his horse ?
Was it a mare or a stallion ?
And what was the horse's name ?
- Stand by, Joe, on Herbie. - Kill the air.
Tommy, air off.
Uh--
- [ Muted Ring ] - A little tighter. Kelly, put the sign up.
Control booth. Uh, yeah, hold on, sir.
Dan, it's for you. lt's Kintner.
Would you mind, Mr. Barry, could l take the third part last ?
[ Barry ] That's fine.
The code was, uh, ''One if by land, two if by sea.''
Therefore, it would have to be two lanterns in the Old North Church.
That's right. And the second part. Who rode with him ?
- Dawes and Prescott. - Dawes and Prescott.
[ Chattering ]
What these books have conclusively proven...
is that the difference between men and women is exactly 38 pages.
- Can l quote you, Mark ? - Not before l quote me.
His own quotes are his greatest pleasure.
Did you hear the market dropped 30 points today ? There's a rumor Eisenhower died.
- How would they tell ? - Oh, please, don't get Dorothy started on politics.
- There'll be a raid. - Good night.
Good night, Dorothy. Sorry l'm late. lt's impossible out there.
- You can't get a cab without a dragnet. - Eisenhower died.
- What ? - Professor Van Doren, l took your course at Columbia--
''Hawthorne, Original Sin and the American Experience.''
- Nixon is president ? - Well, as silly as it sounds, it changed my life.
- Was it the Hawthorne or the sin? - Perhaps you'd like to meet my son, the unmarried Van Doren.
- Oh, where is Charlie ? - You're right again, Herb.
You got the first two parts correct. Just three more for 11 points.
Excuse me. Are you the son ?
- l'm Charlie. Pleasure. - Elizabeth. The pleasure's all mine.
lt was a mare, Mr. Barry.
How did he know that ?
- Oh, there you are. - We're making our getaway, Charlie, if you want a ride.
Have you ever watched one of these quiz shows, Dad ?
The $64,000 Question or Twenty-One ?
For $64,000, l hope they ask you the meaning of life.
Okay, Herb, finally: Name the man who loaned Paul Revere his horse...
for that fateful midnight ride.
The horse. Who loaned him the horse ?
- Okay, Herb, l'm afraid l'm going to have to ask for your answer. - Yes, Mr. Barry.
[ Kintner ] Look, just give him what he wants. l don't want to talk to these agency guys.
- So what do you want me to do, Mr. Kintner ? - You're a producer, Dan.
- Produce. - [ Barry ] Would you like more time, Herb ?
- Right. - [ Herb ] lf l may.
Herbie's dead.
Larkin ? Deacon John Larkin ?
That's correct for 11 points !
- [ Applause ] - [ Sighing ]
- [ Fanfare ] - All right, Herb, take a deep breath and relax, will you ?
And we'll get back to the game after this word from our sponsor.
Now, friends, l was just wondering, what kind of a day did you have today ?
Did you greet the sunrise with plenty of vim, vigor and vitality,
only to feel the wind go out of your sails just after lunchtime ?
Do you find you're not having as much fun as you used to ?
- This beats the subway, huh, Mr. Stempel ? - You said it.
- Hey, Dave ! - Hey, Herbie !
[ Cheering ]
You were the greatest tonight, Herbie !
Great, huh, big guy ?
- [ Woman ] Hey, the audience really loves you ! - Herbie, you remember me when !
Herbie ! l remember you when !
- Hi, Ellen. - Hey, Herbie, what color was she ?
You looked so good on TV tonight, Herbie !
- You should have gone for 11 on the movies, Herbie. - You should win $100,000.
Hey, you were really cookin' tonight, Stempel.
- Of course l watched it. - You didn't go to the show ?
The genius is home. The rich genius is home.
- l watched it on television like everybody else. - Would you tell him that--
You were great tonight, Herb.
Come on. l wanna dance. Dance with me.
- Looking for the light - Would you ask him for me, please, right now ?
- Of a new love - Mother wants to know why you only went for 8 on the movies.
Because my real expertise is pain-in-the-ass in-laws. Now would you get off the phone ?
- l'm not gonna start with this. - Tell him that everybody is watching that show.
Steve Allen is gettin' a busy signal because my mother-in-law won't shut up.
- Look, Ma, l got-- l gotta go. - You're upset, and l don't want to have to deal with it.
- All right. Good-bye. - Call me before you go to bed. That's all l'm sayin'.
What are you doin' ? My father paid good money for this suit.
- He wore it to his own funeral. - You make it sound like it was the suit that killed him.
You wanna know why Enright makes me wear that suit ? Because it makes me look like a schmuck.
Yeah, well, stop actin' like a schmuck then.
You don't get it, do you ? l go out on the street, and everybody knows me.
Me. Herb Stempel. And they love me for the same reason they used to hate me.
Because l'm the guy who knows everything.
You should worship the ground l walk on, what my family's done for you.
You wanna be worshipped ? Go to lndia and moo.
Without my family, you'd be on that show in your underwear.
Things are gonna change around here, boy.
What does that mean, everything's gonna change ?
You think l should get my teeth capped ?
What's gonna change, Herbert ?
Everything's gonna change.
For us.
Hey, what the hell were you thinking ?
Toby, that box is the biggest thing...
since Gutenberg invented the printing press,
and l'm the biggest thing on it.
We don't need your mother and her money anymore.
Don't you wanna tell her where to get off after 28 years ?
Now would you please...
dance with me ?
Dancing in the dark
Until the tune ends
We're dancing in the dark
And it soon ends
We're waltzing
ln the wonder of why we're here--
Because of a disagreement with his commanding general,
Ulysses S. Grant was virtually placed under arrest for a brief time early in 1862.
Who was the commanding general of the Union army at that time ?
Oh, l know that. Uh, Halleck. General H.W. Halleck.
That's correct. Who was Sebastian Cabot...
- and what country was he in the service of ? - Hey, Terry.
- [ Van Doren ] He was, uh, an explorer from Spain. - That's correct.
- Who founded the former hub of the Byzantine Empire, - Who's that guy in the corner ?
- Constantinople ? - Constantine the First.
Charles Van Doren.
Charles Van Doren ? Like Van Doren Van Doren ?
- He wants to be on Tic-Tac-Dough ? - l guess so.
- Meriwether Lewis. - That's it.
Who was the editor of the socialist paper--
Oh, this is the guy. This is the guy
l got the guy l got the guy
l got the guy !
- [ Door Opening ] - l got the guy.
So l turned to astrophysics,
but, of course, as you know, all the great physicists were great before the age of 25.
[ Chuckling ] lt just wasn't in the cards.
- So l went to Paris and wrote my novel about a patricide. - What ?
A boy who kills his father.
M-My dad liked it quite a lot, actually,
although you could fill Yankee Stadium with the world's mediocre novelists.
And your father is Carl Van Doren.
My uncle. My father is Mark Van Doren, the poet.
He also teaches-- l-l mean, l also teach at Columbia. Literature.
- Same as, uh, same as Dad. - Oh, same as Dad, huh ? That's nice.
Could l ask you a personal question, Professor ?
Actually, l'm not a professor yet. l'm just an instructor.
How much do they pay instructors up at Columbia ?
- Eighty-six dollars a week. - You have any idea how much Bozo the Clown makes ?
Well, we-- we can't all be Bozo the Clown.
No, no, not to question your choice of profession. Not at all.
l'm questioning the values of a society that pays somebody like you--
- What was it ? - Eighty-six dollars a week.
Eighty-six dollars a week. You plan on raising a family, right, Professor ?
- Yes, l hope to, very much. - Can you imagine raising a family on 86 dollars a week ?
Eighty-six dollars a week. And meanwhile, look at the crisis of education in this country.
W-Well, yes, l-l agree. lt's a national problem.
So l understand you came down to try out for Tic-Tac-Dough.
Well, my friends tell me l have a good mind for this sort of thing. They coaxed me--
How'd you like to be on Twenty-One ?
- Twenty-One ? - Dan produces both shows.
You're young; you're clean-cut; you're from a prominent family.
Kids would run to do their homework to be like Charles Van Doren.
- What about, uh, Herbert Stempel ? - What about him ?
- Herb ? Oh, l love him. People don't like him. - Well, we love Herb.
- Kids don't look up to him. - lf you were a kid, would you want to be...
an annoying Jewish guy with a sidewall haircut ?
- Well, l wanted to be Joe DiMaggio. - Oh, yeah ? Me too.
- Especially after he signed for the hundred grand. - Yeah, Al--
But you see, that's what this country needs, is an intellectual Joe DiMaggio,
with the women and the money and all of it, but from his brain instead of a bat and ball.
- Dan. - l know. You're probably right.
Yeah, boy. What are we gonna do here ?
Well, l could take a whack at it.
Yeah, see, the problem, Professor, is the old college try ain't gonna do it.
And you've seen Stempel. [ Chuckling ] The guy's unbeatable.
l have to admit Tic-Tac-Dough seemed more feasible.
What if we were to put you on the show--
Put you on Twenty-One and ask you questions that you know.
Say, the questions that he answered correctly on the test this morning.
- l-l don't follow you. - Just thinkin' out loud.
l thought the questions were in a bank vault.
- ln a way, they are. - You wanna win, don't you ?
- Well, l think l'd really rather try to beat him honestly. - What's dishonest ?
When Gregory Peck parachutes behind enemy lines, do you think that's really Gregory Peck ?
That book that Eisenhower wrote ? A ghostwriter wrote it. Nobody cares.
lt's not like we'd be giving you the answers. Just 'cause we know you know, you still know.
Right. lt's not like you're putting me on the show, or Al,
and pretending to be some sort of intellectual.
You have put in years of study and erudition.
l mean, l-- l'm just trying to imagine what Kant would make of this.
l don't think he'd have a problem with it.
Think about what this could mean for the cause of education.
Forty million people will watch you on Twenty-One.
lt's not like anybody has to know. Just us three.
lt just doesn't seem right.
l-l'd have to say no.
Just an idea.
Was that part of the test ?
- So we're okay. - You're gonna give it a try.
Well, uh, l just want to make sure it'll be, you know, not...
the way we discussed it before ?
- No. So pure, it floats. - Not at all.
Okay ? So we'll see you Monday night then.
- You'll come by and see how the show works. - Great.
- All right. And we'll look forward to that. - Monday night.
- Nice meeting you. - Okay. Good-bye.
- Take care. - Bye-bye.
- Reservations are at 9:00. - Thanks. All right.
- Boys. - Hi, Jack. - Hi, Jack.
- Who's that ? - That's Charles Van Doren.
- As in Van Doren Van Doren ? - Van Doren. Yes.
- Oh. - He wants to be on Tic-Tac-Dough.
Now, why would a guy like that want to be on a quiz show ?
Richard Goodwin. l'm an investigator.
An investigator. Richard Goodwin with the Subcommittee on Legislative Oversight.
l'm calling because the rate schedules for the Baltimore and Ohio...
for the first four months of 1954 seem to be missing from the documents you just sent me.
Oh, go get 'em, Dickie. They're sweatin' now.
Do they know you were first in your class at Harvard Law School ?
Don't talk to me like l'm an idiot. l was first in my class at Harvard Law School.
- There we go. What have you got ? - Forty-three seconds.
- Not bad. - Railroad regulation.
- Now that's political dynamite he's playing with. - Oh, just an oversight.
-[ Both ] We're an oversight committee. -Right.
The end of next week. That'll be just fine.
And l'll send you a little helpful reminder, okay ?
- You'll notice it 'cause it'll look very much like a subpoena. - [ Men ] Ohhh.
- Thank you. - You know, Dick, you stick with this-- l don't know.
Ten, fifteen years, you could bring the lnterstate Commerce Commission to its knees.
Of course, by then, there may not be railroads.
- [ Laughing ] - You'll still be sittin' right there, too, Alex.
- He's so sensitive. - Truce.
Herb, you got ten points.
The category is ''Explorers.'' How many you want to try for ?
- [ Herb ] l'll try for 11 points, Mr. Barry. - Hello !
[ Barry ] Gonna go all the way, huh ? All right.
l'm gonna name four spots on the globe. You name the explorer who discovered them.
- First: Newfoundland. - John Cabot.
Hi. l see you're really churning out the chapters today.
Go away. No cigar in the bedroom.
- That's correct. The Cape of Good Hope. - Out.
No cigar in the bedroom. We allow a television in the bedroom,
but no cigar in the bedroom.
- This-- - [ Herb ] Bartolomeu Dias.
- He originally called it-- - You're right, Herb.
So today, chairman calls me aside.
My big break, right ?
He asks me to write him a speech to deliver to the Kiwanis Club of Arkadelphia, Arkansas.
You're good at that. Gee, do we get to go there ?
Yeah. Just like to know where the challenge is.
You know ? l feel like a race horse whose gate won't open.
You didn't want the Wall Street job.
Yeah, l know. Well, money isn't everything.
l'm not the one who came home with the Chrysler catalogue.
Give me the name of the explorer who discovered Mozambique.
- Vasco da Gama. - Vasco da Gama.
- [ Herb ] Well-- - Maybe l should get on a quiz show.
At least l could get in my own bedroom.
lt's just a job, Dick. lt's not sex.
Vasco da Gama ?
- Great show, Herbie. - Terrific show. l really think so.
- Jack, wasn't Herb terrific tonight ? - Can't you see l'm busy, Dan ?
- Oh, Herb, l'd like you to meet next week's challenger, - [ Van Doren ] Okay.
- Charles Van Doren. - Hello. l'm scared of you. Boy, oh, boy, let me tell you.
Scared of me ?
- More wine, Herb ? - Thank you, Dan. Why not ?
You've earned it. How's that steak ?
Nothing like a fine piece of meat.
You know, Herb, it's a hell of a thing. l'm lookin' at the thing today.
- You know, the Trendex rating ? - Yeah ?
Well, it's the damndest thing, but you've plateaued.
Plateaued ? Wh-What kind of word is that ?
- What, plateaued ? - Plateaued.
Plateaued ? Uh, well, it's like, uh, you--
-You mean people don't like me anymore ? -No, no, no, it's not you per se.
- lt's just-- No, it's-- - Maybe l should get my teeth capped.
lt's the nature of the show. They've already seen you win, and they want something new.
So what are you saying ? You think they want me to lose ?
Well, don't you think that's natural ?
Joe Louis was the champ for 12 years. Nobody ever wanted Joe Louis to lose.
- Think about the cause of education. - The cause of education ?
l waited 29 years for this. Now l'm supposed to take a dive for the cause of education ?
l didn't say take a dive. Now l'm askin' you for your help.
Fine. Just let me play it honestly.
- Will you keep your voice down ? - Give me a number. Go ahead. Give me a number.
- Excuse me, sir. Give me a number, a-a random number. - l don't know. Twenty-three ?
Beethoven was 23 when he composed his first piano sonata.
ln 1923, Jack Bentley set the record for average by a pitcher, batting .427.
There are 23 chromosomes in the human egg.
- Herb-- - Also, the human sperm.
Twenty-third president: Benjamin Harrison. Asian countries along the 23rd parallel--
Look, don't start believing your own bullshit, all right ?
You wouldn't know the name of Paul Revere's horse if he took a crap on your lawn.
- She. - What ?
- lt was a mare, remember ? - Look, you lose when l tell you to lose.
- But why now ? - lt's an arrangement.
- lt's always been an arrangement. - But if you told me to lose before,
if you told me to lose right from the beginning, that l'd understand.
That'd be the story of my life. But why now ? What did l do ?
Look at the big picture. lt's not like television is gonna go away, you know.
- l mean, think about the future. - You mean like a panel show ?
Uh, check. Look, l'm gonna do what l can do, Herb.
But meanwhile, maybe you could use somebody to talk to.
l'm gonna give you the name of my analyst. Just send me the bills.
- You know, l could be terrific on one of those panel shows. - Here you go, sir.
Witty, off-the-cuff. A Bill Cullen sort of thing.
Now the last category is movies.
We're gonna ask you what won the Academy Award for Best Picture in 1955.
You don't know it. Your answer On The Waterfront.
Oh, no. Oh, no. Don't-- Don't do that.
Not Marty. l saw Marty three times.
The Best Picture from two years ago and l don't know it ?
Someone of your intellect, and it's such a simple question.
- Don't you see the drama of that ? - Drama ?
Herb, don't do this to yourself.
Please, let me lose on a physics question, not Marty, Dan.
Don't do this to me. lt's too humiliating.
For 70 grand, Herb, you can afford to be humiliated.
- Who was the captain of the Mayflower ? - Christopher Jones.
- What year ? - 1620.
Here's Mr. Moto !
[ Sports Announcer ] And we'll return to Mr. Moto after this.
[ Announcer ] Will Herbert Stempel become the first man...
to win over $100,000 on television ?
No, Herbert Stempel is not going to win over $100,000.
Herbert Stempel is going to take a dive !
Dad, the quiz is tomorrow. lf you're gonna talk to the TV--
- All right, big shot. So who bought Manhattan lsland from the lndians ? - Peter Minuit.
- What year ? - 1626.
- How much ? - Twenty-four dollars.
[ Announcer ] ...this week on Twenty-One.
- Now back to our program. - This week on Twenty-One,
watch Herb Stempel be fed to the Columbia Lions.
Watch Charles Van Doren eat his first kosher meal on Twenty-One.
What are you doing ? Why aren't you dressed ?
The child has to learn. The child has to learn the depths that humanity can sink to.
The tribes of the lroquois League: Mohawks,
- Cayugas, Oneidas-- - Twenty-four bucks for Manhattan. First the lndians, then us.
- What's eatin' you ? - You know why they call them lndians ?
- Because Columbus thought he was in lndia. - Mohawks, Cayugas--
They're lndians because some white guy got lost.
You're gonna give him your ulcer. Let him grow up with his own ulcer.
- He wouldn't let me practice my drums. - Who won Best Picture for 1955 ?
- Marty. - Marty. - Thank you.
- Well, what's the problem ? - Lester, do me a favor.
Go in your bedroom, do your homework, all right ? Hey, hey !
With your books.
Homework with your books.
[ TV Announcer Shouting Excitedly ]
- They want me to take a dive. - What ?
They're going to ask me what won the Best Picture for 1955,
and l have to answer On The Waterfront.
They have to utz me with a question any child knows.
H-How can they do that ? l thought the questions were in a bank vault.
They just put me in an isolation booth and pump cyanide into it.
Herbie, they can't do that.
- How can they do that ? - Well, obviously, Toby,
this particular question isn't in the bank vault.
- Why ? - How the hell do l know why ?
Well, then the hell with them. Just answer Marty then.
- l already agreed. - Well, screw them.
Let them ask you a question you really don't know. Ha. Good luck.
You're Herbert Stempel. What are they gonna do to you ? Huh ?
[ TV Announcer ] Judo chop into the throat. Once again, it's a judo chop.
- You're right. What could they do to me ? - Yeah.
- Screw 'em. - Yeah.
Remember, call him ''Jack'' as often as possible.
Jack.
Fifteen seconds.
[ Low Voice ] Good evening. l'm Jack Barry.
[ Brightly ] Good evening. l'm Jack Barry.
- [ Stage Manager ] Five. - Good evening. l'm Jack... Barry.
- Watch your headroom. - Coming to air in ten, nine,
- l'm Jack Barry. - eight, seven,
- six, five, - Steady, one.
- four, three-- - Good evening. l'm Jack Barry.
- Two, one. - Fade up. Cue up.
Good evening. l'm Jack Barry.
So let's meet our first two players as Geritol,
America's #1 tonic, presents: Twenty-One.
From New York City, Mr. Charles Van Doren.
- And returning with $69,500, from Queens, New York, - Van Doren ?
Mr. Herbert Stempel.
- Think that's his son ? - [ Barry ] Are you related in any way...
- to Mark Van Doren of Columbia University, - l don't know. l guess so.
- the famous poet and author ? - Yes, he's my father.
- He is your father. - Yes, both he and my uncle Carl have won the Pulitzer Prize,
and Dorothy Van Doren, the author of the recent The Country Wife, is my mother.
- [ Barry ] Okay, Herb, you know something about Mr. Van Doren. - Joey, punch the audio a little.
You have $69,500. Do you want to take it and quit while you're ahead...
or risk it by playing against him ?
lt's a tough decision, l know.
- What'll it be ? - l-l'll take a chance.
You will take a chance. All right, then, here we go, gentlemen.
You sure Herbie's on board with this ?
Can l take the third part last ?
l guess-- l guess that Atahualpa was the leader of the lncas at the time of the conquest.
- [ Barry ] Correct. - Wouldn't that be William Allen White ?
- [ Barry ] That's correct. - l'd like to take the third part last.
His fourth wife was Anne of Cleves.
He divorced Catherine of Aragon.
- He divorced her. - He beheaded Anne Boleyn.
- Well, they all died. - Herb Stempel leads at this point by 18 to 10.
- Herb ? - Yes, Mr. Barry ?
The category is ''Movies.'' How many points you want to try for ?
l'll try for three. Three points.
Which motion picture won the Academy Award for 1955 ?
Marty.
Best Picture.
- Marty. - Best Picture.
Marty.
He doesn't know it ?
[ Barry ] All right, Herb, l'll tell you when your time is up.
l don't re-remember. l don't remember.
Are you sure you wouldn't want to guess at it, Herb ?
- Otherwise, l'll have to call it wrong. - Wait.
Marty.
[ Barry ] Your time is up, Herb. l'll need your answer.
Best Picture...
of 1955--
On The Waterfront ?
[ Barry ] No, l'm sorry. The answer is Marty.
[ Audience Exclaiming ]
Marty. lt was Marty that won the Academy Award...
for Best Picture in 1955.
- Marty was Ernest Borgnine. - Geez, what an easy question.
The Academy Award for 1955. You lose three points.
You go back down to 15. Better luck on the next round.
And now for you, Professor, the category is...
Civil War.
How many points you want to try for, from 1 to 11 ?
Civil War. That's a-- That's an awful big subject.
Well, here goes nothing. l'll-- l'll try for 11.
Eleven points will bring you to 21, and you will be our new champion !
- [ Thump ] - Because of a disagreement with his commanding general,
Ulysses S. Grant was virtually placed under arrest...
for a brief time early in 1862.
Who was the commanding general of the Union army at that time ?
Tough question.
lt's just so oddly familiar.
[ Barry ] Would you like some more time ?
- Whatever you can spare. - All right.
Do you know the name ?
Yes, l know his name. Halleck. General H.W. Halleck.
You are our new champion for $20,000 !
[ Audience Applauding ]
[ Barry ] Come on out, Herb. Come on out, Professor.
Wasn't that somethin', folks ? Huh ?
You feelin' all right ?
Very good. Perhaps we can get an ice pack out here for the professor.
l suspect his gray matter is red-hot.
l wonder if he's married.
Our congratulations for a wonderful victory. Professor Charles Van Doren.
l am constantly amazed at the facts these guys have at their fingertips.
- Tough questions tonight. - Uh, yeah. Oh, well, not really.
Wow, you were fantastic. Hey, you better unlist your phone number.
Can you believe the pressure ? Look at him; he's soakin' wet.
- ls this guy a natural or what ? Jesus ! - He's a natural.
- Do you think he's involved with anyone ? - l don't know.
l'm gonna miss ya, Herb. You know, l'm really gonna miss this guy.
- Hey, Dan, listen, that guy is really terrific. - Oh, hi.
- We could easily beat out l Love Lucy with him. - l know we can.
Let's get a photo here. Oh, George. Here we go.
Charles Van Doren. Miles Bronfman, an executive here at the network.
- Oh, there we go. - So what do you think, Charlie ? You excited ?
- Professor, can l interrupt you ? - Charlie, l just wanted to--
- My son was in your father's class. Says he's a saint. - Oh, really ?
Charlie, l want you to meet Bill Henderson. He promotes the show.
- Congratulations. Sensational. Just sensational. - Thank you.
Now we have a clean-cut intellectual instead of a freak with a sponge memory.
- See you next week, Charlie. - Oh, l don't even want to think about that. l was so nervous.
Dan ! Dan !
So pure, it floats ? Hmm ?
Are you kidding ? lt was great.
Go home and have a martini. We'll talk in the morning.
Uh, l-l'm gonna take the stairs.
- How did you know he'd go for it ? - What would you do ?
[ Muttering ]
Meanwhile, it's okay if you know the answer.
Yeah, so it's-- My God, it's not like l haven't worked hard.
l deserve $20,000 as much as anybody.
My God ! $20,000.
The highest navigable lake in the world is:
- Lake Titicaca. - Lake Titicaca.
- That'd have to be Lake Titicaca. - Correct for ten points !
[ Applause ]
[ Charlie ] Michel Montaigne. Around his neck,
Montaigne wore a medallion which read: ''What do l know ?''
- Hello. This is Herb Stempel calling for Mr. Enright. - l'm terribly sorry; he's not in.
Our current reigning champion, from New York, New York,
Mr. Charles Van Doren.
[ Barry ] ...twenty-four hours, Geritol liquid, or now, in new--
lt's the only town house available in the Village.
l think l'll take it.
- Will do. lt's just that he's out of the office right now-- - This is Herb Stempel.
This is about the 17th time l've called.
l guess William Pitt the Elder.
You have 21 !
[ Applause ]
Come to me, Charlie. Good. Smile. Hold the bag right there.
Hold it right there. Good.
[ Announcer ] Here, Professor Van Doren turns in the evidence of his amazing popularity:
thousands of letters a week for the egghead turned national hero.
Winnings to date: $50,000 !
Hey, Charlie ! The check's in the mail.
- ls Mr. Enright in ? - l'm sorry; he's not right now.
This is Herb Stempel. You tell him that he promised that he would call me back,
and if he doesn't, something is going to happen.
- Do you understand that ? That's right. Okay, bye. - l understand.
You just tell Mr. Enright that if he doesn't want to talk to me,
maybe the district attorney would like to talk to me.
- lf he wants to play hardball, l'll play hardball. - Very well.
- Good morning, Mr. Van Doren. - Hello.
[ Barry ] And returning with $83,000,
our champion, after seven weeks, Charles Van Doren.
- [ Applause ] - Welcome to Twenty-One, gentlemen.
- [ Van Doren ] Evening, Jack. - Charlie--
- [ Screaming ] - Gentlemen, please.
lt was a totally humiliating experience. All my friends knew that l loved Marty.
lt's one of my favorite films. l-l-l saw it three times. lt's about a boy in the Bronx--
Mr. Enright will see you now.
Have a seat, Herb.
Thanks for comin' up. l feel we have some unfinished business we need to hash out.
l have some unfinished business with you too.
This whole thing with the grand jury and the things you said,
well, they hurt me.
l can't tell you how-- Well, they hurt me deeply.
- l told the truth. - There you go again.
You promised me, Dan. Y-You promised that you'd help me out.
Don't you think that l want to help you more than l already have ?
- But the point is, you've made it impossible. - Look, you want me to apologize ?
- l want you to sign this statement. - l apologize.
- What kind of statement ? - lt clears me and the show of any wrongdoing.
- What about the panel show ? - See ? That's a perfect example.
l told you l'd do what l could, and l did. l put your name on a list.
You put me on a list ? That's it ?
NBC owns our company. Everything goes through them.
NBC bought your company for two million bucks. What about me ?
People watched me on that show. Look. Look. Look at this.
- Oh, Herb, don't start-- - ''He has become a friend in over 50 million homes,
whose weekly visits the whole family eagerly anticipates.''
- l was a friend, too, in 50 million homes. - Look, what can l tell you, Herb ?
- Life is unfair. - Life is unfair to me.
Life's not unfair to Charles Van Doren.
Remember how he snubbed me after the show ?
- There'll be other shows. - What other shows ? l need the money, Dan.
Wha-- What ? How could you need the money ?
lt's gone. l mean it's invested. lt's tied up. lt's--
- Well, can't you talk to your broker ? - He's not a broker.
He's more of a bookmaker. lt's seed money.
He's setting up in Florida right now. He says it's the next growth area.
You gave your money to a bookie who skipped town ?
l-l want what l have coming, Dan. l have to get back on television.
-Herb, l'm gonna-- -Show me this list. Where's this list ?
[ Sighs ] l submitted a list of 45 names.
They rejected three. You were one of them.
That big uncircumcised putz is on the cover of Time magazine,
and l can't even make the top 42 for a panel show.
Look, maybe you could warm up the audience before the show.
- l could throw you 50 bucks a week. - Fifty bucks a week ?
That should be me on the cover of Time.
- Shit, Herb, just sign the statement. - Charles Van Doren.
He wouldn't know the answer to a doorbell if you didn't give it to him.
Sign the statement, and get on with your life !
Sign the statement, Herb. Sign the statement. Who cares if it's true ?
- l'm giving you a chance. - You promised me !
You get me that panel show, or l'm gonna bring you down with me, ya lousy, lyin' prick !
- You and Charles Van fuckin' Doren ! - No, you're not.
l'll just tell everyone that it's a fraud. That'll warm 'em up.
- ''The fix is in, this week on Twenty-One.'' - When's my next appointment ?
The cover of Time ? His mug shot will be on the cover of Time !
What the hell happened ?
[ Sighs ] Oy.
Why am l the only one workin' this mornin' ?
- You got here earlier, Mooie. - ''Demonstrators stoned Vice President Nixon's motorcade...
as it proceeded through Caracas.''
- Gee, Dick, what's the New York Times say ? Same thing ? - Generally.
Most people who live in Washington settle for the Washington papers.
[ Goodwin ] Well, the Times is the paper of record.
- Ahh. - Ooh.
Dick hopes someday to be confused with an important person.
''Although the crowd was cordoned off at a distance of a hundred yards,
an unidentified Venezuelan struck Nixon in the head with a thrown onion.''
- Ow ! - The Senators should sign this guy.
Did you guys know there was a grand jury in New York on the quiz shows ?
Jim Lemon can't even hit the cutoff man. This guy throws a 300-foot strike with an onion.
- Have they come up with anything ? - They sealed the presentment.
- That's a no. - Why do you say that ?
A presentment's a statement of findings.
lf there were anything in it, they'd want to release it to the public, right ?
lf the purpose is to make findings public, then why keep it a secret ?
[ Goodwin ] Why seal the presentment ? lt's illogical.
- lt's a local matter. - lt's television.
Whoa. TV.
lt's under our jurisdiction, right ? l mean, we have oversight over all the agencies.
- lt includes the F.C.C. - You're gonna investigate a dead investigation ?
We're gonna put television on trial. Television.
Everybody in the country'll know about it.
- What do you have ? - There's somethin' there.
Mr. Chairman, l'll find it.
The networks, pharmaceutical industry ?
Cosmetics ? [ Chuckling ]
That's big game, son. You don't go huntin' in your underwear.
Sir, l smell somethin'. At least give me a chance to see what l can dig up.
Let me go up to New York.
[ Lishman ] Ya know, this isn't some junket for you to stay in a hotel and see a Broadway show.
l'm givin' you exactly one week to find something. You get that ?
Unseal a presentment. l don't know.
l don't know how you go about that. l've never--
Oh, here you go. Look at this.
Hasn't been a presentment under seal in the State of New York since 1869.
That explains it.
- 1869 ? - Yeah.
Counselor, l've reviewed in detail the material submitted in your request.
A man's reputation is coin of the realm to him.
l sealed this presentment...
to protect the reputations of those unfairly implicated...
by a certain mentally unstable finger-pointer.
That interest, along with important issues of federalism,
dictate that l reject your committee's request at this time.
[ Phone Ringing ]
Mr. Enright's office. Mr. Enright ?
lt's Judge Schweitzer.
- Yes ? - Hi. Miss Mitchell ?
- Uh-huh. - My name is Richard Goodwin.
l'm with the Congressional Subcommittee on Legislative Oversight.
We've been investigating the quiz shows recently.
- Uh, l was wondering if l could ask you a quick question. - Oh ! l've got people.
- Could l just have a moment of your time ? - No.
l was curious how many episodes you appeared on.
- Not very many. No. - How--
- Three weeks. - Did anyone ever ask you not to talk to anyone ?
[ Announcer ] The Today Show with Dave Garroway...
and Dave's regular co-host, Mr. J. Fred Muggs.
Dave's guests this morning are: the Aga Khan,
Lyle Goodhue, inventor of the aerosol spray can...
and quiz champion Charles Van Doren.
Take a look at that. Look at that. You see that ?
- Yes. Uh-huh. - [ Chattering ]
Well, you have that conversation, and l'm gonna begin the show.
l'll see you, Mr. Muggs.
Good morning.
- And good morning, Charlie. - Good morning, Dave.
- How are you this morning ? - l'm fine, thank you.
l see we have a, uh, an unusually large crowd outside there this morning.
- So how long has it been now, Charlie ? - lt's been nine weeks now.
- And you've won how much ? - $93,000.
- Hmm, so that's, uh, $10,000 a week. - That's right.
Although last week, l know you were preempted for another program.
Well, that's the problem with television. The pay's good, but it's not that steady.
- Don't remind me. l'm up for renewal. - [ Laughing ]
So tell us about the book you're working on.
Well, it's called Lincoln's Commando,
and l hope people will find it as interesting as l do.
How do you think Honest Abe would do on a quiz show ?
- Honest Abe ? - Yeah.
Well, l think he'd do very well. And, of course, on a show like this, he'd be wonderful.
l'm sure he would.
[ Church Bells Ringing ]
- Here we are, Professor. - Yeah, l-l'm just-- l just have to tie my shoe.
[ Chattering ]
- Hi, Mr. Van Doren. - Hey, Mr. Van Doren.
- Hey ! - [ Chattering ]
- Oh ! - Good morning. Hi.
- Good morning, Mr. Van Doren. - Good morning.
- Where's the monkey ? - l saw you on TV this morning.
- ls Thomas Merton Episcopalian or Catholic ? - Catholic.
Hello. Are you here for office hours ?
Oh, no. l'm Richard Goodwin.
- Did Clark Byse call ? - Clark Byse ? No, he didn't.
See, l'm up from Washington. He suggested l might look you up.
- You're not a stockbroker, are you ? - Lawyer, which is bad enough.
- Professor Byse taught me Contracts. - Then we have something in common.
- He taught me my backhand. - l'm with the House Subcommittee on Legislative Oversight.
l've been swarmed by stockbrokers lately.
l feel like a girl with a bad reputation.
The Committee has jurisdiction over television.
l'm sorry. Please, um, have a seat.
Thank you.
You must have done very well at Harvard. Clark doesn't like anyone.
Uh, l was, uh, actually first in my class.
- You make it sound like an affliction. Did you clerk ? - Well--
- Uh, Frankfurter. - Oh, really ? Hmm.
lt's nothin'. l tell you, what l love is what you do, literature.
Well, hell, if l was first in my class, l'd get a tattoo.
- So, what brings you to New York, Dick, uh, literature ? - Let me ask ya.
Did you ever notice anything out of the ordinary about the quiz show you're on ?
What ?
Anything suspect. Anything at all.
You mean besides its popularity ?
What l'm hoping is that you might be able to give me some kind of road map here.
- l feel like we speak the same language. - Well, of course.
- Anything l can do to help. - [ Door Opening ] Oh, um,
- Mr. Van Doren. - Yes ? Yes, yes.
- l'm sorry. l'm in your class on the Romantics, and, uh-- - Of course you are.
l-l-- Actually, l'm auditing it because you've been on television.
- Do you-- Should l come back later ? - Oh, um, if you don't mind--
- l'll come back. - l tell you what. Why don't you meet me tomorrow ?
- l'll take you to lunch at the Athenaeum. - The what ?
l'm sorry. The Athenaeum Club at Forty-third and Fifth ? Say, uh, tomorrow at noon ?
- Lunch at The Athenaeum. - At noon.
- Great. - Great. See you then.
l wanted to talk to you about Ode on a Grecian Urn.
''Beauty is truth; truth, beauty.
That is all ye know on earth and all ye need to know.''
- Does he really mean that about beauty and truth ? - Why foster child ? l don't under--
Congress investigates communists.
Congress investigates mobsters. That is not me.
Yeah, well, look on the bright side. You'll be on national television.
- That's a joke, Charlie. - Well, that's not funny.
- Charles Van Doren. Hey ! Charles Van Doren ! - lt's just not funny.
- How ya doin' ? - l'm worried about this.
- Yeah, well, look, l alr-- Who was that ? - lt's just some guy.
Well, look, l already know about this guy Goodwin, and l'm on top of it. So trust me.
- You callin' lnformation ? What are you dialin' for ? - You don't understand.
- Oh, for information ? Charles Van Doren, he's dialin' for lnformation. - l have a name.
Hey, Chuck, what do you do ? Chuckie ! Answer this question.
- l-l'm sorry. l gotta go. - What street do l live on in Brooklyn, huh ?
- D-Did you tell him anything ? - N-No, no, l didn't--
- [ Shouting ] - l-l gotta go. l gotta go ! l've gotta go !
Come on ! Let's go ! Hey, Chuck, how ya doin' ? How ya holdin' up ? All right ?
Hey, can l get an autograph for my wife ? Give me an autograph for my wife !
Come on, Chuck ! Don't be a snob ! Give me an autograph for my wife !
[ Goodwin ] So Sandra says what's ever on her mind.
And you've been married how long ?
Five years. You ?
Oh, no. l'm supposed to be fixed up with this girl...
on the cover of the new Harper's Bazaar, but--
- Well, you know how that is. - Yeah.
- Waldorf salad for you, Mr. Van Doren. - Oh, thank you.
- And a Reuben sandwich. - Thank you.
- So-- - Oh.
What do you know about this grand jury investigation, Charlie ?
Oh, l remember Dan mentioned something about this,
that it was all some-- some wild goose chase.
Uh, a political thing.
- They talk so fast in that business. Half of it goes right past me. - Dan ?
Enright. He's really the one to talk to.
- You know if he testified ? - Uh, uh, more water ?
Uh, you can reach him at NBC. Dan Enright.
So, how long have you been with this committee, Dick ?
Six months. Seemed like a good way to postpone the inevitable.
Postpone the inevitable. ls there a spot for me ?
l mean Wall Street.
- Oh. - [ Chuckles ]
So, back to this, uh, grand jury business.
- l'm wondering-- - Oh.
- Dad ! - Charlie.
Excuse me, Frank.
This is a surprise.
How are you, son ? We share an office, and l never see you anymore.
Oh, l'm there, Dad. l'm just hiding behind your reputation.
[ Mr. Van Doren ] No, l'm serious. We all miss you at home.
Please, join us. Dad, this is Dick Goodwin. He's up from Washington.
- Narrow escape. - Dad doesn't like Washington.
A swamp that traded malaria for politics.
- What's the special ? - lt's the Reuben.
Reuben sandwich is the only entirely invented sandwich.
Won the National Sandwich Contest two years ago.
- A salient point. Who invented it ? - Uh, Reuben Kay.
- At a poker game in Omaha. - l knew there was a ''k'' in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, they have the sandwich here, but they don't seem to have any Reubens.
- Touche. - Dick's a protege of Clark Byse.
l just finished a clerkship with Justice Frankfurter.
Of course you did. Frankfurter collects brains the way other people collect stamps.
Uh, did you happen to see the show Monday, Dad ?
Monday. Uh, we were with Bunny Wilson.
Oh, no, it's nothing. Just there was a question about Hawthorne.
Oh, well, you know how it is with Bunny once he gets going.
So, Dick, Charlie invite you to his poker game yet ? He's a helluva poker player.
W-We have a regular game Thursday nights, just some friends l went to school with.
- You're welcome to come over next week. - Are you a gambler, Dick ?
l don't know if l'm a gambler. l know which end of an ace is up.
Well, Dick, if you look round the table and you can't tell who the sucker is,
it's you.
Yeah, Dan Enright, please.
Uh, Dick Goodwin.
Uh, no. Actually, l'll just call back. Thanks.
''Name the three heavyweight champions who preceded Joe Louis.''
Oh, l know that. Uh, Jim Braddock.
- Mm-hmm. - Max Baer.
And--
- Damn. - Primo Carnera.
- Primo Carnera. Of course. - Yeah, good old Primo.
- l was there that night at the Garden, the night Baer beat him. Yeah. - Really ?
The big guinea. Twelve times Baer knocked him down.
Al, l've been thinking. Maybe you shouldn't give me the answers anymore.
Now what do you wanna do that for, Professor ?
Charlie, you're doin' the right thing, really.
- Everybody's makin' money. - Well, what if you just gave me the questions...
and l could look up the answers on my own ?
l mean, don't you think that'd be-- Well, be less egregious.
[ Bob Barker ] Only in the balcony.
You know about that.
All right. Now, your consequence--
Doesn't want the answers anymore. Just wants the questions.
- Who ? - ''Who.'' The Great White Hope.
[ Sighs ]
Dan, what the hell is ''egregious'' ?
He just wants the questions ?
Uh, excuse me. Uh, Mr. Noland ?
- Yeah ? - My name is Richard Goodwin.
- l'm with the Congressional Subcommittee on Legislative Over-- - Ahh.
[ Man ] No, no, l don't wanna say anything. No, can't help you.
[ Woman ] l told them everything l had to say.
Everything l knew l told them.
[ Buzzer ]
- Yeah ? - Mr. Stempel. My name is Dick Goodwin.
l'm an investigator with the Subcommittee on Legislative Oversight of the U.S. Congress.
- Yeah ? - Did you recently testify before a grand jury ?
- Yeah. - Well, if you have a minute, l'd really like to talk to you about it.
- [ Drums Banging ] - Gee.
Fi-- Finally. l-l knew it was just a matter of time.
Come in.
- [ Drums Continue ] - Didn't you go to City College ?
- Uh, Harvard. - Toby !
- [ Gasps ] - This is my wife, Toby. This is Mr. Goodwin.
He's an investigator from the United States Congress.
Would you like a cup of coffee, Mr.-- l-l already got the pot on.
l tell ya, that sounds great, actually.
And bring some rugulach if there are any left.
- l love my wife, but it's like livin' with a plague of locusts. - [ Drums Continue ]
lf Charles Van Doren told 'em what l told 'em,
do you think this whole grand jury thing would be squashed ?
- Quashed. lt's not ''squashed.'' - Not in a million years.
- Quashed, okay ? - What exactly did you tell the grand jury ?
- Have one. - Uh, no, thanks.
Lester, will you knock it off for ten minutes ?
Come on. They're a Jewish delicacy. Before Toby eats it.
- l'm retainin' water for your information. - You and the Grand Coulee Dam.
Come on. You don't know what you're missing.
l'm quite familiar with rugulach, thank you.
-How'd a guy like you get into Harvard ? -Capped teeth.
- Lester ! - [ Drums Continue ]
Herb, what exactly did you tell the grand jury ?
No, you can't ask me that. lt's-- lt's sealed. lt's illegal.
Well, uh, just between us.
They made me take a dive. Marty.
They made me lose on Marty just to humiliate me.
- Who made you take a dive ? - Dan Enright.
He told me l had plateaued, that the ratings had plateaued.
A sinking ship and the rats stayed.
Do you think in a million years l wouldn't know Marty, and meanwhile, Charles Van Moron...
would be on the show 11 weeks in a row ?
l don't understand. H-How could they make you take a dive ?
- What ? - Why didn't you just answer Marty if you knew it ?
- What, and throw away his future in television ? - Would you please go inside...
and tell Gene Krupa to take five ?
Lester. Lester !
You're so naive. lt's a fix. lt's all-- lt's all a fix.
A setup. l made a study of it. They always follow a Jew with a Gentile.
And the Gentile wins more money. What is that, a coincidence ?
Herb, you're saying this whole grand jury thing was because of you.
You know what you have to do ? You have to nail Van Doren.
- Are you gonna nail Van Doren ? - Look, first of all, l'm not here to nail anyone, okay ?
- This isn't McCarthyism. - Listen, think about what McCarthyism did for McCarthy.
Let me ask you something. Do you have any corroborative evidence to what you're saying ?
Listen to me. Don't make necessarily the mistakes that l might have made in life.
Think about your career. You nail Van Doren, it'll be bigger than Sputnik.
lt'll be like a big, blond Sputnik crashing right down on his, whew, friggin' head.
Charlie ? Hi. Dick Goodwin.
l hope you don't mind. The English Department gave me your number up in Connecticut.
Yeah. Look, um, l met with Herbert Stempel yesterday.
He told me a couple of things. l'm kinda curious--
What ?
Sure. Well, what train was that ?
Yeah, just hold on. l got a pen right here.
Grand Central Station.
Housatonic.
Cornwall, Connecticut.
l will, uh-- l will, uh-- l'll get right on the way.
- Dick, l'm glad you could make it. - Charlie.
That's some snappy-looking Mercedes.
- Come around the back. We're just about to eat. - What's that, the 300 ?
Yeah, it's my father's birthday, so l bought myself a car.
- lt's only got 110 miles on it. - The show's treatin' you well, huh ?
[ Mrs. Wilson ] Dorothy, your tomato salad is fabulous.
- What's your secret ? - Manure.
Now, look at Thomas. Thomas is aerodynamically designed to go directly to heaven.
- And who are you ? - Dick. Goodwin.
- l'm a friend of Charlie's. - Ah.
- You sound like you're from Boston. - Brookline, actually.
[ Both Laughing ]
The wrong girl for me.
- You know l didn't. - You did. We have horseradish growing in the garden.
Well, that's good. [ Laughs ]
- How long have you been married ? - Twenty years.
- Aunt lrita had an affair with Wendall Willkie. - Hmm ?
''Now see summer bloom upon this lea. Three score rings around this tree.
Once green; now bare.
Once lush; now sere.
Consoled only that l am...
- planted here. - You certainly are.
- Roots thick... - And old.
- and deep, - And doddering.
- assuage my woes--'' - A termite nibbles at my toes.
- Et tu, Bunny ? - Charlie, is Jack Berry single ?
- l think so. - My roommate has a crush on him. She wants you to introduce her.
- What's Dave Garroway like ? - Cheap. - Cheap ?
- Wasn't l talking ? - You were, yes. Talking and talking and talking.
Charlie's famous, like Elvis Presley.
Like Leopold of Belgium, usurped by his son before his time.
l suppose that makes me King Baudouin ?
Next birthday, you all get a dirty limerick.
- l certainly hope so. - [ Laughing ]
[ Woman ] So how's it feel, Charlie ?
[ Charlie ] Well, l can't even eat dinner in a restaurant anymore.
People follow me inside to discover what kind of ''brain food'' l eat.
ln my day, it was flagpole-sitting and swallowing goldfish.
Last week alone, l had 11 proposals of marriage.
Perhaps you should accept one of them.
To think they unleash you on those impressionable young minds.
Why not ? He's 33 years old. Jesus Christ had a girlfriend at 33 years old.
- Look how that turned out. - And he shared an office with his father.
l'm sure they're all very nice girls.
ln that case, perhaps l should appear on a quiz show.
The money, meanwhile, no one knows what to do with it.
Though every stockbroker in New York seems eager to try.
Why don't you just put it in the bank ? That's what l've always done with my prize money.
No, it's just-- You don't understand, Dad. There are all sorts of tax implications.
l think l can understand the concept of taxes.
- At this level, it's a bit more complicated. - And at my level ?
l never thought of myself having a level, Charlie. What level might that be ?
l mean, it's not as if the money fell into my lap. l worked for it.
- Work ? Oh-ho-ho-ho. - Millions of people watch the game shows, Dad.
Then l suppose we've become a nation of proctors.
- [ Dorothy ] Mark. - Help me out here, Harvard.
Uh... claim victory and depart the field.
- We don't have a television. - [ Mark ] Why on earth would we need a television ?
[ Rita ] How much money is it again ?
- What ? - They don't have a television.
- You haven't seen the show ? - We were supposed to watch it the other night at Thurber's--
- Even Thurber has a television, and he's blind. - How much is it now, Charlie ?
- $122,000. - What ?
- [ People Gasping ] - She heard that all right.
Well.
''Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall.''
Measure For Measure.
''To do a great right... do a little wrong.''
- Merchant Of Venice. - lt's this game our family plays.
''O what men dare do ! What men may do !
What men daily do, not knowing what they do.''
Much Ado About Nothing. ''Things without remedy should be without regard;
what's done is done.''
''Things without all remedy.'' Macbeth.
[ Dorothy ] ''How the ill white hairs become a fool and jester.''
- Now, Professor, open your presents. - [ People Laughing ]
- Well, what have we here ? - [ John ] After-shave.
- Awww. - [ People Laugh ]
Uh-huh.
- [ People Clapping ] - Oh, now !
- Oh, my God ! How swell ! - [ Chuckles ]
l guess l'm surrounded. Thank you, Charlie.